Singularity

Hey yall, soooo it’s time for me to try to put my feelings into words and put them out there for yall to judge me again. lol So this evening, I had the sudden urge to play the piano. I started playing, and it felt alright. Then I thought, well may be I should try to learn a song so I can play it and sing at the same time. I started out looking at some sheet music for “Rolling in the Deep” but I didn’t like it, so I tried just playing the chords and seeing what different rhythms and patterns to play them in. It’s a working progress, but I really suck at improvisation. lol so after tinkering with that, I played my default song: “If I Aint Got You.” I’ve played and sung this song about a million times, but tonight it felt different. It felt kind of lonely. In the past, I have used music as an extension of my love for my “special someone,” but now that I’m single, singing this song kind of accentuated my singularity I guess you can say. lol I wasn’t singing it full out, but I was really getting lost in the lyrics, and I realized that I have no “you” to sing it to. There was only one person that I would sing this song to and actually mean it, but clearly, things didn’t work out. Sooooo here I am lonely and venting. lol

In case you don’t know, I haven’t REALLY been single since I was 15 years old. I’ve always gone from relationship to relationship, leaving for something better, up until this last one. So yeah, I know this is the best time to get to know myself, who I really am, and what I really want out of life and a companion, but man, it is so lonely out on this ledge. lol They say that the holidays are probably the worst times to be single.  Well I was doing so well over Thanksgiving and Christmas in terms of not caring about being single, but for some reason, once Christmas was over, it became very apparent that I was going to be bringing in the new year without a special someone. Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching. I’ve had very bad experiences with this “holiday” in the past, and I’m not looking forward to the foolery I’m going to see all around me. And by foolery, I mean happy people in love LOL Don’t get me wrong; I know I’m in a place where I need to be right now, but I miss that companionship. It’s just so comfortable for me.. but oh well..

Well, I’ve run out of words to say. Shout out to all the lonely hearts that feel me tonight. lol I hope your new year is a prosperous one, and I wish you the best. Leave me some words to let me know you’re actually reading this blog. LOL

-LJR.

What More Do You Want?

Recently, I’ve been blessed with an awesome opportunity.A hospital finally extended to me a job offer as a registered nurse. It’s been a long, and hard road getting here, but I’m pretty much at the finish line for this goal. Words cannot express how happy I am about this offer, and in case it isn’t obvious, I accepted it. lol I got the call the Monday before Thanksgiving, and I was honestly amazed that God chose Thanksgiving week to give me this job. That alone makes me smile, and it’s been the joy of my heart since that call

This post isn’t really about the new job offer per se. It’s more about what’s been going on in my life for the past  few weeks surrounding this event. In case you didn’t know, as of right now, I’m living with my parents, and it’s definitely been a struggle coping with the move back to Houston and back under their roof. To keep myself busy, I became more active around church, helped start Auditory Asylum, and started going to the gym pretty much every day. It was going pretty well, but the relationship between my parents and I, was becoming more and more stressful. My mother and I weren’t really seeing eye-to-eye, I felt like being at home was like being in a prison, and I jumped at any opportunity to leave the house though they were few and far apart. A few months later, my mom and I got in an argument and finally settled things. We’ve been doing better since then.

But now, there’s something else going kind of… awry. Now it’s seeming like the relationship between my dad and I is about to suffer. For the past few weeks, he’s been getting on me about small things, things so small I can’t even remember them all. I guess what the ultimate question I’m trying to get to is “what more do you want from me?” I help around the house, I help cook sometimes, i do the upstairs cleaning (although it’s almost impossible to keep clean), I barely go out for anything at all, and now I’m about to have the career that I’ve been working toward since I graduated from high school. It just feels like the closer I get to reaching goals I’ve set for myself, the closer he observes my actions for faults and missteps. I know it sounds ridiculous, but he’s been getting on my back for really silly things. And any time I mention that I’m leaving town to go handle some business in Dallas, he looks at me as if I don’t belong out of the house, nor do I have any business leaving Houston. He even managed to spoil my mood at Thanksgiving dinner!

As far as I’m concerned, I thought I was doing things right. I’m learning new things, and I’m doing what I can to do my part in the house and in Houston, but it just doesn’t seem like it’s enough. It’s like he’s looking for more things that could possibly be wrong with me just so he can bring them up and throw it in my face over and over again in some of the most non-motivational ways. I’m trying so hard to get where I should be in life, yet you find another way to kick me down. What more do you want from me? Do you want me to live in this house with you until I get married? Sorry, it’s not happening. Do you want to exploit this control you have over me since you’re supporting me UP UNTIL I start working? That’s the way it’s looking. I’m not trying to be rude or rebellious. I’m just so confused. I know I’m going in the right direction in life, I’m going to make my own decisions, and I’m doing what I can to be smart and responsible. What am I missing?

Hello, My Name is Leslie

Alright yall, I wanna have real talk with you. This past week, I’ve been to two different job fairs, and I’ve been filling applications for nursing jobs all over the Houston area. In preparing for these events, I put together folders that included a cover letter, a resume, and recommendation letters, and I’ve been trying to pull the best out of myself in order to make a positive and lasting first impression on the nurse recruiters. Now in the past, I’ve been told that my first impression on people have been awesome. I was friendly, outgoing, assertive, funny, and possibly a little crazy, but the people loved me nonetheless. That was in the beginning of college. Now that I’ve thought about it, it’s been five years since then, and I’m probably a completely different person now. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, hit a lot of walls, and have done what I can to learn from all of it, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t really know who I am. I know that a lot of yall see the stupid, random things I post on twitter, and I say a lot of things like “I’m the ish, if you don’t know about me then educate yourself,” blah blah blah etc etc. These are random moments when I’m feelings like “yeah, I AM awesome because I’m a nice person, and I’m doing things with my life… Good things at that.” But those moments come and go, and a lot of the time I still don’t know what to with my life, where I’m going, who I am. Today, I thought about the fact that one day, someone’s going to interview me for a job, they’re going to ask me questions about my personality, character, thought processes, and professional conduct. I’m scared that I’m not impressive enough, that I don’t stand out enough, that I’m just another face that gets lost in the crowd. I don’t know if I make a good first impression, I don’t know if my “good” first impression is memorable, and it REALLY worries me. What if I don’t ever get a job? What if this ends up being another failure to add to my list?

Attaining and maintaining self-confidence is something that I’ve struggled with for a long time. I’m STILL struggling with it especially since I haven’t quite gotten a grip on who I am as a person. How can I be confident in something that I don’t know? lol honestly, any confidence that I may exude is temporary, and other times, it’s faked. But I don’t really know what else to do other than fake it if I don’t have it. You know, the whole “fake it til you make it” deal? Help me out! Do yall have any advice for me? What can I do? And what was your first impression of me? Was it good? Bad? How can I improve? LOL Let me know!

You Don’t Know Me

A friend of mine told me, one day, that he could understand that I’m hurt from my past relationship, and he knows what it’s like to be in my situation. He then proceeded to tell me that I was taking longer than most people to “get over it.” …. really? REALLY? I was livid to say the least.  This is a newer friend, and we’ve spoken about personal things on his end and mine. But just because I shared these things with him didn’t mean that he knew me. NO, he’s knows a summary of me. He thought he had me all figured out, and THAT’S what made me so angry. Just because you think you have an idea of who I am doesn’t mean you know me well enough to make statements like that. You don’t know me, you don’t know who I am, you haven’t been there to see me through it all, and you definitely won’t ever be able to feel what it’s like to be in MY shoes. SO DON’T YOU DARE EVEN THINK THAT YOU CAN HAVE ME ALL FIGURED OUT.

I will admit that in many circumstances, I am very much a typical female. I like to get flowers, be told I’m beautiful, go shopping, hanging out with the girls, and watching the sunset on the beach, but many of my friends would agree when I say that I am a special breed of woman. I am uniquely me, and I refuse to be lumped in with the rest. I know there are guys out there probably shaking their heads at me saying “blah blah blah, yeah yeah, that’s what every girl says,” but believe you me, I’m no joke. LOL don’t play with me.

So the moral of the story is: don’t assume that you know who I really am just because you’ve heard a few of my personal stories. I am a dynamic person who is still learning and growing every day. If you choose to insult me by saying stupid shit that you really have no right to be saying, then you are pretty much telling me that you don’t want me to continue being a real friend to you. just sayin.

Alright y’all, have a great day!

 

Music of the Night

Hey guys =)

I just posted a new video on Youtube because I was really bored. lol tell me what you think! It’s nothing great, just a short little song from Disney’s Cinderella. Please don’t mind the ugly singing faces, the fact that I look a hot mess, and my high-pitched talking voice. lol I’m not too fond of it, but anway, subscribe, comment, and share! Love yall!

-leslie j rosete

“I Love You”

“I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else.” -Jonathan Safran Foer

A friend of mine posted this quote on facebook the other day. When I read it, I could only think of one person who I truly felt this way about. I try not to think about it, but the truth is that I’m still very disappointed about the fact that my last relationship turned out the way it did. If the above quote is a true example what “I love you” means, then I truly did love that person. Some of you have read about my past difficulties, and through all of that, there was one who was there for me the most. Because of that, and our own relationship struggles, I learned to love this guy, and I mean REALLY love this guy. Learning to cope with the trauma of losing this relationship has been THE most emotionally taxing problem in my life recently. Even with the disappointment of failure of my exit and board exams, this still takes the crown. I’m well aware that getting over someone isn’t going to happen overnight, but dang. I wish this would be over already lol I’ve been keeping busy, hanging out with friends, I’ve taken all the exams I need to take, met new people, looking for a job, pretty much anything I can possibly do to keep myself distracted.. In the end, I can’t forget about him. To put the icing on the cake, today, when looking for a picture, I stumbled upon a saved conversation of him and I trying to figure out our options before calling it quits. It sucked lol. I read it and was reduced to tears. sigh but all I can do is stay busy, keep my head up, and keep telling myself “it just wasn’t our time.”

Love is a tricky thing. It’ll make you do some crazy things.. I’m the prime example of that lol. But in the end, if the person you love feels the same toward you, then you get that crazy, amazing, retarded love that defeats all adversity. And in most cases, that’s all that you really need to get by.

Hairpin Triggers

{EAV_BLOG_VER:598d6e235a42b989} As of this point in my life, I’m trying to recover from the trauma of losing a relationship that played a HUGE role in my life. I’ve made progress, but there are so many things that make me feel like I’m not going anywhere. These past few days, I’ve been confronted with a few things that have brought back so many memories.. They seem so small, so trivial, yet they seem to have opened the floodgates of memories that I’ve been trying to keep locked up, repressed.

Because I was in a long distance relationship, it was common for my boyfriend to give me something of his that smelled like him over the breaks that I could wear or sleep with. Over Christmas break years ago, he gave me one of his hoodies. I lent it to a friend back then, and of all the times to return it to me, she returned it on Sunday.. in the middle of the summer.. the summer that I’ve chosen to cut ties with this guy so I could finally learn to get over him.. when I saw it, it reminded me about all the of the weekends my boyfriend would come to my school and visit me, all the weekends I spent with him, all of our Tuesday visits, all of our random trips to the malls, movies, and parks. I remembered how much I loved his cologne… The way it felt to hug him on cold nights.. hugging him to say hello.. having to hug goodbye at the end of visits.. How warm his body was.. i tried to just ignore it so it wouldn’t get me down.

The next day, I watched a video of someone singing a medley of songs. I was just listening to the sound of his beautiful voice, and then all of a sudden… he sings the one song that I hadn’t heard in months, may be even years: “The Sweetest Love” by Robin Thicke. I was reduced to tears.. This was the song that I had told my boyfriend that I wanted to play while I walked down the isle at our wedding, whenever that would’ve been. I really loved that song, I felt a connection to it, and it wasn’t just some common, cliche wedding song that you ALWAYS hear. It was then that it REALLY hit me that it was really over. It sucked so much for me because he was the first guy that I had realistically talked to about getting married. I’m not one of those girls that have had their wedding ideas picked out since they were 10. It just wasn’t important to me, but I really felt like he was going to be “the one.” but hey.. things don’t always go the way you want them to..

Then today, my dad asked me to massage his sore shoulder. While I rubbed out his knots, I thought about how I used to always massage my boyfriend.. well.. my ex. My ex was an athlete, and over the years he had several injuries that didn’t exactly heal correctly and had all kinds of sequela that would be added on to his everyday work of lifting, moving, etc.  So, because of all his aches and pains, I would always rub and massage him.. and from what I understood, he loved it. My arms and hands would get tired, but I always wanted to do it because I loved him. I loved the feel of his skin. sometimes I would start to massage him without thinking while we would watch movies or tv together. I just.. miss spending time with him..

Point of the story is, I’m having a hard time getting over him. lol fml.